This day today 4 weeks ago I had contractions. Some were mild, some were stronger it wasn’t possible to ignore but they weren’t the real deal either. My midwife had been around in the early afternoon to check on me because at that point I was unsure what was happening. From her examination point of view nothing much was happening. I was able to sleep after she had left but around bed time for my older kid I felt these contractions twitching again.
I do not remember everything
Most of this day is more of a feeling inside of me than a real memory as such but I do remember bits and pieces, me going to the bath, the midwife ariving, again, our Doula being present, my little baby girl(who was about to become a big sister)sleeping as silently as she had hardly ever done before. yes, I can recall this.
But even more dominantly I remember all the thoughts, obsticals, in my head. Flying around in my head from left to right and back again, like a bat who has lost its way. Thoughts of a labouring woman fighting with thoughts of the midfwife in my brain that I am too.
The midwife in me who knew I had to let go somehow and the labouring woman who didn’t know how.
A midwife giving birth
As things progressed and I couldn’t ly in bed anymore, I felt I needed a firm ground, more support than the softer matras was giving me, my inner midwife knew the contractions were, until this time, very far apart, but the labouring me was getting louder with every wave that was coming my way.
Then, it hit me during a break of a contraction, my head resting on a pillow, eyes closed, I thought about my little girl lying in bed and not knowing that her world would be a different one when she ‘d wake up in the morning. She wouldn’t be my baby anymore, she d be the big sister.
And what did I do?
I started to cry. Not just a little, no, I sobbed. I cried for the loss, that my ,to that day little girl was going to experience, I cried that I was loosing my little girl. I cried because everything I knew was about to change.
Nobody stopped me
And you know what? Nobody stopped me from crying. Nobody asked, nobody spoke. This was MY private moment. The moment where the 2 voices in my head stopped fighting. The moment I could let go and stop worrying, stop thinking it over and over, again and again.
Shortly after, my contractions got regular and closer, not long till I felt pressure, my waters broke and the urge was there.
And to our surprise a little baby girl was born.
Weeks later, sitting on my sofa, nursing the little girl and reading books to the, now, older girl ( who has of course grown by 10 centimeters over night) I am very grateful how everything has turned out and I realize that both of them will always be my little girls.